say goodbye to 2013

by Y

Haven’t write for so long, which is something that I should have done.

If I have learned to talk more, speak out, or made any attempts in releasing my pressure, then all of those problems could have been solved long ago.

Let’s see what happened in 2013, I can’t recall anything spectacular or happy, it was a year of reconstruction and trying to live a normal life for me.

My accounting grade was not good enough to get into the business school, out of despair I tried to major in French, but ended up taking summer classes and will be graduating with a major in Applied Computing.

I tried multiple times to convince myself that, I come to college for education, not for learning something that I will definitely do for the rest of my life.

But I know I am being too easy on myself, many, many things could have been avoided.

I could have learned much more with the time and tuition myself and my parents paid for.

I want to redo college for the sake that I finally realized how fun it is to truly pay attention and study in a class.

In a way, I do feel like I matured a lot in the past year, which is something I should have experienced in high school.

In a way, I stopped moving forward since high school years, I don’t read a book anymore, all I do is browsing the internet, chat with friends.  I rely too much on fast information that I have no culture or knowledge of any kind…

I had a quite serious dispute with my roommate, and I take half of the responsibility for causing this situation.  Because I don’t know how to say No to people, and I don’t know how to speak out my feelings because I fear of losing them.  I spend too many years trying to say things and do things to please other people too much, that in the end, I became something with no personality.

So it is not like there is a big deal between us, but it’s just the past things and me holding back my feelings slowly building up to a climax, that I just can’t take it anymore, then I don’t want to face her anymore.

I became too sensitive to the point of having trouble sleeping, there is a big problem with my handling my emotion, since I got this big chunk of emotional feelings building up in my heart, and it is too late to release them in a easy way now.

That’s way yesterday I yelled and lose control of myself in the car, that day was the break point for me.

I tried to talk to friends about our situation and tried to calm myself down and to face things coolly, but I have been used to ignore my feelings and agree on everything that it became a habit for me.

I just realized how weak I am, inside and out.

For 2014, I wish to pick up the things I planned and did not accomplish in 2013, but in a better, self affirmed way.

– To eat healthy, and exercise daily, and to sleep in a healthy cycle.

-To concentrate on my classes, spend the last six months of my college time as a good, responsible student.

-To learn my major courses well, because no matter what I do in the future, I need to have a good understanding of my major as my area of expertise.

-To manage and spend money more carefully

-To listen to my feelings and say no if needed, but don’t over-judge things, meaning don’t be too serious, say no is a easy thing, you don’t need to give reasons, but just say it because you don’t feel like it.  Don’t think too much into simple situations.  To say no and to reject is not to build a wall between you and the others, but to simply draw out your limitations with people.

-To act and speak as the way you are, don’t try to be someone that you think will be liked by people.  You need to start being yourself, since you have many years to live, and you cannot live under a mask forever.

-To pick up some habits for, such as drawing, reading, but stop daydreaming too much if I am not going to make them happen.

-To love myself, to think for myself, to act for myself.

-To learn to forgive and forget the past happenings, everybody have their own experiences of misfortune, but no one is the most unfortunate person in the world.  So to all of the griefs and unfairness and unhappy things that happened in the past 22 years of my life, I forgive and forget you now, because I need more space for new things in my heart. : )

-To keep in mind of what my dad says: 人要脱胎换骨才能长大, 要做个内心充满阳光的人。