one more month
Two more weeks to go for my summer classes, I am not sure whether I learned much from my computer science classes, and when I confessed my miserable feeling to my advisor, he comforted me and said he knows exactly what I mean. I guess programming is really just like learning a new language, you became a pro without knowing when, it just takes commitment and practice.
For some reason, I have been thinking a lot about my past since last year.
About the choices I have made, and the consequences I face, also the lessons I’ve learned.
I could have finished my degree in three years, study abroad in China or France, master French or see my father in China. I could have got a good GPA, involved in a lot of activities, made a lot of friends all over the world, and doing some good internships in the summer.
But right now, I am taking four summer classes in order to graduate on time. I was rejected from the business school, I can’t do study abroad, I have an extremely low GPA, and I can’t get internships that I feel qualified for.
Who would listen to my story? Why should they?
While I was wasting my life and opportunities away, a lot of people were working hard to improve themselves. So why should I be forgiven from my past misdoings, when some people were already trying their best for all this time?
It make sense, my miseries and regrets and unhappiness all makes perfect sense.
I should stop thinking backwards since…if I continuously rewinding my life, then I will be swallowed with regrets and sadness, because for all these years, it is true that I was not responsible for my actions. I can count the chances and different paths I could have taken all the way from middle school.
I don’t know when, but maybe it happened in my elementary school years, when mom went to U.S. That is when my life began, and that is when I lost myselfI let myself go easily doing things I like without considering the outcomes, I stopped doing homework, I stopped studying.
I think I was never aware of myself, I did not take myself seriously, I don’t love myself.
If I love me, then I would be responsible and take care myself.
I didn’t, I just relied on other people, and I live off of people’s words and ideas, I have nothing that can be called as my own.
I don’t know how my future is going to like
But right now I don’t have regrets, because I believe in parallel dimensions
so I think that there are a lot of me living in a lot of different life paths
Maybe I am a rock star in the other life, maybe I am a good student in the other life, maybe I am more miserable in the other life.
It’s okay, I forgive myself and my past, I will treasure my life in this dimension. No matter what happens in the future, this is my life, I am going to live it well.