one more month

by Y

Two more weeks to go for my summer classes, I am not sure whether I learned much from my computer science classes, and when I confessed my miserable feeling to my advisor, he comforted me and said he knows exactly what I mean.  I guess programming is really just like learning a new language, you became a pro without knowing when, it just takes commitment and practice.

For some reason, I have been thinking a lot about my past since last year.

About the choices I have made, and the consequences I face, also the lessons I’ve learned.

I could have finished my degree in three years, study abroad in China or France, master French or see my father in China.  I could have got a good GPA, involved in a lot of activities, made a lot of friends all over the world, and doing some good internships in the summer.

But right now, I am taking four summer classes in order to graduate on time.  I was rejected from the business school, I can’t do study abroad, I have an extremely low GPA, and I can’t get internships that I feel qualified for.

Who would listen to my story? Why should they?

While I was wasting my life and opportunities away, a lot of people were working hard to improve themselves.  So why should I be forgiven from my past misdoings, when some people were already trying their best for all this time?

It make sense, my miseries and regrets and unhappiness all makes perfect sense.

I should stop thinking backwards since…if I continuously rewinding my life, then I will be swallowed with regrets and sadness, because for all these years, it is true that I was not responsible for my actions.  I can count the chances and different paths I could have taken all the way from middle school.

I don’t know when, but maybe it happened in my elementary school years, when mom went to U.S.  That is when my life began, and that is when I lost myselfI let myself go easily doing things I like without considering the outcomes, I stopped doing homework, I stopped studying.

I think I was never aware of myself, I did not take myself seriously, I don’t love myself.

If I love me, then I would be responsible and take care myself.

I didn’t, I just relied on other people, and I live off of people’s words and ideas, I have nothing that can be called as my own.


I don’t know how my future is going to like

But right now I don’t have regrets, because I believe in parallel dimensions

so I think that there are a lot of me living in a lot of different life paths

Maybe I am a rock star in the other life, maybe I am a good student in the other life, maybe I am more miserable in the other life.

It’s okay, I forgive myself and my past, I will treasure my life in this dimension.  No matter what happens in the future, this is my life, I am going to live it well.