by Y

Just emailed my final assignment to the ASEM professor, one down three to go!

My marketing class starts next week, along with Discrete Structure and Intermediate Java course, all of them are offered online, which gives me a lot of freedom in time management but also a lot of needs in self-control on time management…

I feel that time has been going at an increasingly speed as I am becoming older, yesterday I was entering university, and now I am just eleven months away from graduating.  My memory cells are dying for sure since I have been forgetting a lot of stuff, especially the ones happened in high school.  But then I could also clearly remember details about many events as well, and as I am digging in, many memories came back to me.

But for the fear of losing them again, I decided to write my feelings down, just in case twenty or forty years later I am bored enough to read these things…haha

So right now I have just completed my 3rd year in uni and is on summer break, been declined by the business school after two years of stubborn determination to get into some fields that I am not even interested in.  All I can say is that, what a big relief!

I mean I still don’t know much about myself yet, but I guess I was always determined to major in business because most people in my circle are, yet at the same time, my deepest love is for art and…well, I actually would really love to become a chief.

It’s just that after two years of wasting money and time and energy, I think I am just very very tired.  I mean, if I have worked harder on my classes, I would be a business major right now, but then, I don’t know…I think my life and my personality has changed sometime along the way, maybe I was gonna be a successful student with a successful career, but somewhere along the way, everything changed.  Maybe it is not a bad thing thou, I believe in 平行空间, so maybe this is just the rightest path for me, a BA in applied computing with minors in Business and French! : )

As I have realized how fast time is going by, I became increasingly worried about my future, worrying that I will be like my father, twenty years later regretting about missteps made during the youth and for not working hard enough.  I’d hate to see that all my colleagues are doing better than me in the future, at least, I wish I could live a normal and happy life.

I think I am not doing enough for my parents, especially my mom, she is the best mom in the world, but I always let her down.

Right now I have been living with her and Christian for almost two years, our personality and actions has changed a lot, but I feel that we became more close as well.. I do feel guilty of taking Christian’s niceness for granted, such as been a lazy-ass and eats all his yummies…and I wish he and mom could stay together, healthy and stable…

I am sitting comfortably in the sofa at the living room, while everyone is asleep, and I can hear Bear is panting right now.  Somehow I am afraid of thinking into the future, where Bear and Digby is no longer in this world.  I wish life can stay at this moment, I am still young, everyone is still healthy, I have crazy dreams and anticipations about the future, me and Lu are still best friends…I just kind of wanting to stay at this peaceful statement.

But yes, our lives are short, its kind of like a blink of a eye and then I will be lying there, maybe some seventy years old grandma, waiting for my last breath in this planet.

And nothing would matter anymore, all the envy, desire for love,beauty,dreams about future,goals,vacations…everything will not be necessary by then, and I wonder if I will ever find my values before I go?