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memory fragments

say goodbye to 2013

Haven’t write for so long, which is something that I should have done.

If I have learned to talk more, speak out, or made any attempts in releasing my pressure, then all of those problems could have been solved long ago.

Let’s see what happened in 2013, I can’t recall anything spectacular or happy, it was a year of reconstruction and trying to live a normal life for me.

My accounting grade was not good enough to get into the business school, out of despair I tried to major in French, but ended up taking summer classes and will be graduating with a major in Applied Computing.

I tried multiple times to convince myself that, I come to college for education, not for learning something that I will definitely do for the rest of my life.

But I know I am being too easy on myself, many, many things could have been avoided.

I could have learned much more with the time and tuition myself and my parents paid for.

I want to redo college for the sake that I finally realized how fun it is to truly pay attention and study in a class.

In a way, I do feel like I matured a lot in the past year, which is something I should have experienced in high school.

In a way, I stopped moving forward since high school years, I don’t read a book anymore, all I do is browsing the internet, chat with friends.  I rely too much on fast information that I have no culture or knowledge of any kind…

I had a quite serious dispute with my roommate, and I take half of the responsibility for causing this situation.  Because I don’t know how to say No to people, and I don’t know how to speak out my feelings because I fear of losing them.  I spend too many years trying to say things and do things to please other people too much, that in the end, I became something with no personality.

So it is not like there is a big deal between us, but it’s just the past things and me holding back my feelings slowly building up to a climax, that I just can’t take it anymore, then I don’t want to face her anymore.

I became too sensitive to the point of having trouble sleeping, there is a big problem with my handling my emotion, since I got this big chunk of emotional feelings building up in my heart, and it is too late to release them in a easy way now.

That’s way yesterday I yelled and lose control of myself in the car, that day was the break point for me.

I tried to talk to friends about our situation and tried to calm myself down and to face things coolly, but I have been used to ignore my feelings and agree on everything that it became a habit for me.

I just realized how weak I am, inside and out.

For 2014, I wish to pick up the things I planned and did not accomplish in 2013, but in a better, self affirmed way.

– To eat healthy, and exercise daily, and to sleep in a healthy cycle.

-To concentrate on my classes, spend the last six months of my college time as a good, responsible student.

-To learn my major courses well, because no matter what I do in the future, I need to have a good understanding of my major as my area of expertise.

-To manage and spend money more carefully

-To listen to my feelings and say no if needed, but don’t over-judge things, meaning don’t be too serious, say no is a easy thing, you don’t need to give reasons, but just say it because you don’t feel like it.  Don’t think too much into simple situations.  To say no and to reject is not to build a wall between you and the others, but to simply draw out your limitations with people.

-To act and speak as the way you are, don’t try to be someone that you think will be liked by people.  You need to start being yourself, since you have many years to live, and you cannot live under a mask forever.

-To pick up some habits for, such as drawing, reading, but stop daydreaming too much if I am not going to make them happen.

-To love myself, to think for myself, to act for myself.

-To learn to forgive and forget the past happenings, everybody have their own experiences of misfortune, but no one is the most unfortunate person in the world.  So to all of the griefs and unfairness and unhappy things that happened in the past 22 years of my life, I forgive and forget you now, because I need more space for new things in my heart. : )

-To keep in mind of what my dad says: 人要脱胎换骨才能长大, 要做个内心充满阳光的人。

two months

it has been two months since i last wrote here, oh how fast time flies

school started and life is pretty good so far

there were ups and downs, but i do appreciate every lessons that i have learned

it is ironic how on the previous post, i was addressing how much i love my father

yet something happened last week which completely changed how i feel about him and his family

i mean, i do still love him very much, but the feelings have changed

 

i mean, how would anyone react to an news that their father tried to kill himself and doesn’t want to live anymore?

i was so shocked and speechless.

and now i am kind of angered at them, for being so cruel to me, for revealing those ugly truths to me

if you really sees me as a part of your family, or as someone you love

would you keep saying those hurtful truths to me? do you know how much pain i felt?

so now i have been hurt to an extent that i dont care anymore, because it is just too much for me to handle and i dont want to handle those things anymore

regardless of how miserable and painful your life is, i still got my own life

and no one is going to take happiness away from me

so i wont listen to you anymore

5 missed calls

from dad

I was very sad initially when he said he does not care about me anymore and tell me to not come back home

But emotion is always a temporary thing, people will eventually be through with it and move on

So I guess no matter what happens to you, just…never give up?

Because you will always be okay in the end

There are many things one can enjoy, such as listening to a good song, let the fresh wind breeze away your troubles, or just drink a cup of tasty coffee

So many things you can do, so many ways for you to be happy, so please don’t choose the worst one’

Somehow I can express myself better with words instead of speaking, this is really weird because I don’t really put too much considerations when I write, but my ideas comes more fluent and naturally than speaking.

It is just like how I am very comfortable with myself in China, with my friends, but in a strange place I just want to hide myself away from the world.

I need to calm my soul and find my inner peace.

an update for…myself?

so one more week to go for the two computer science courses, much thanks to Christian’s help was I able to survive through Java programming.

I got the opportunity to participate in two Ad project for Integer, which is exciting!  It is kind of funny too, because when I was sorting the internship database for my workstudy job, I saw the company Integer and wondered…isn’t this word used in programming?

I am a little nervous though, I know I should chill out, because everyone likes people who are comfortable with themselves.  I should be comfortable with myself, and if I am not, then i should find the problems and fix them.

I will do a great job, because they’ve chosen me, they know that I can do this, and I can.

I also watched 热血高校, a very good movie filled with passion and young blood.  I wish I was that passionate when in high school, but I wasn’t very involved, although I’d love to…Because now, I feel like missing a big part of the most precious time of my life, although I went to high school, but I didn’t left much memories for remembrance.

Oh, and I no longer give much care about fashion design art those cool things or whatever, if I want to create art, I can draw at anytime, I shouldn’t limit my abilities.  I should believe that art is a gift that was given to me upon birth, I should never question whether I am talented or not.

good good

one more month

Two more weeks to go for my summer classes, I am not sure whether I learned much from my computer science classes, and when I confessed my miserable feeling to my advisor, he comforted me and said he knows exactly what I mean.  I guess programming is really just like learning a new language, you became a pro without knowing when, it just takes commitment and practice.

For some reason, I have been thinking a lot about my past since last year.

About the choices I have made, and the consequences I face, also the lessons I’ve learned.

I could have finished my degree in three years, study abroad in China or France, master French or see my father in China.  I could have got a good GPA, involved in a lot of activities, made a lot of friends all over the world, and doing some good internships in the summer.

But right now, I am taking four summer classes in order to graduate on time.  I was rejected from the business school, I can’t do study abroad, I have an extremely low GPA, and I can’t get internships that I feel qualified for.

Who would listen to my story? Why should they?

While I was wasting my life and opportunities away, a lot of people were working hard to improve themselves.  So why should I be forgiven from my past misdoings, when some people were already trying their best for all this time?

It make sense, my miseries and regrets and unhappiness all makes perfect sense.

I should stop thinking backwards since…if I continuously rewinding my life, then I will be swallowed with regrets and sadness, because for all these years, it is true that I was not responsible for my actions.  I can count the chances and different paths I could have taken all the way from middle school.

I don’t know when, but maybe it happened in my elementary school years, when mom went to U.S.  That is when my life began, and that is when I lost myselfI let myself go easily doing things I like without considering the outcomes, I stopped doing homework, I stopped studying.

I think I was never aware of myself, I did not take myself seriously, I don’t love myself.

If I love me, then I would be responsible and take care myself.

I didn’t, I just relied on other people, and I live off of people’s words and ideas, I have nothing that can be called as my own.

 

I don’t know how my future is going to like

But right now I don’t have regrets, because I believe in parallel dimensions

so I think that there are a lot of me living in a lot of different life paths

Maybe I am a rock star in the other life, maybe I am a good student in the other life, maybe I am more miserable in the other life.

It’s okay, I forgive myself and my past, I will treasure my life in this dimension.  No matter what happens in the future, this is my life, I am going to live it well.

 

Done!

Just emailed my final assignment to the ASEM professor, one down three to go!

My marketing class starts next week, along with Discrete Structure and Intermediate Java course, all of them are offered online, which gives me a lot of freedom in time management but also a lot of needs in self-control on time management…

I feel that time has been going at an increasingly speed as I am becoming older, yesterday I was entering university, and now I am just eleven months away from graduating.  My memory cells are dying for sure since I have been forgetting a lot of stuff, especially the ones happened in high school.  But then I could also clearly remember details about many events as well, and as I am digging in, many memories came back to me.

But for the fear of losing them again, I decided to write my feelings down, just in case twenty or forty years later I am bored enough to read these things…haha

So right now I have just completed my 3rd year in uni and is on summer break, been declined by the business school after two years of stubborn determination to get into some fields that I am not even interested in.  All I can say is that, what a big relief!

I mean I still don’t know much about myself yet, but I guess I was always determined to major in business because most people in my circle are, yet at the same time, my deepest love is for art and…well, I actually would really love to become a chief.

It’s just that after two years of wasting money and time and energy, I think I am just very very tired.  I mean, if I have worked harder on my classes, I would be a business major right now, but then, I don’t know…I think my life and my personality has changed sometime along the way, maybe I was gonna be a successful student with a successful career, but somewhere along the way, everything changed.  Maybe it is not a bad thing thou, I believe in 平行空间, so maybe this is just the rightest path for me, a BA in applied computing with minors in Business and French! : )

As I have realized how fast time is going by, I became increasingly worried about my future, worrying that I will be like my father, twenty years later regretting about missteps made during the youth and for not working hard enough.  I’d hate to see that all my colleagues are doing better than me in the future, at least, I wish I could live a normal and happy life.

I think I am not doing enough for my parents, especially my mom, she is the best mom in the world, but I always let her down.

Right now I have been living with her and Christian for almost two years, our personality and actions has changed a lot, but I feel that we became more close as well.. I do feel guilty of taking Christian’s niceness for granted, such as been a lazy-ass and eats all his yummies…and I wish he and mom could stay together, healthy and stable…

I am sitting comfortably in the sofa at the living room, while everyone is asleep, and I can hear Bear is panting right now.  Somehow I am afraid of thinking into the future, where Bear and Digby is no longer in this world.  I wish life can stay at this moment, I am still young, everyone is still healthy, I have crazy dreams and anticipations about the future, me and Lu are still best friends…I just kind of wanting to stay at this peaceful statement.

But yes, our lives are short, its kind of like a blink of a eye and then I will be lying there, maybe some seventy years old grandma, waiting for my last breath in this planet.

And nothing would matter anymore, all the envy, desire for love,beauty,dreams about future,goals,vacations…everything will not be necessary by then, and I wonder if I will ever find my values before I go?

lazy

I need to get going with my final essay for the ASEM class RIGHT NOW!!!  Why is it so hard for me to be proactive and on top of things?  I mean in the end, I still need to complete all the tasks,  why do I always wait till the last minute and make myself miserable…

Honestly, I feel like I am not valuing myself at all.  How can anyone do anything for me, when I don’t take myself seriously? Ok, so now, three pages analysis on Jerry Maguire, do it right now!!!